Monday, January 26, 2009
NEW NAME!!!!!
From now on this is called "The Forrester Gazette" Because everyone seemed to like that name more! 5,4,3,2,1 THE FORRESTER GAZETTE!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
What Ever 3rd issue
Whatever
On the day I got out of school, I went home, I forget exactly what happened, but I think I got locked out of the house… On Sunday, my grandma and grandpa came to do some stuff. We decorated a half frozen Xmas tree in our living room. Everything was pretty mellow ‘till Christmas day… I woke up, walked downstairs, ate breakfast, and realized I was completely dizzy and my stomach hurt. Reader, no matter how stupid you are, you can probably guess where this went… I was incredibly sick the whole day. Now, let me go into the gruesome details- WHAT WADDIA MEEN “NO” OK, OK, I WON’T TELL, GEES! It was a very strange atmosphere that night when my other grandparents came (See, on my dad’s side we take turns having the family for Christmas.) they did the usual, “My heavens you’ve grown,” and “OH Forrest I LOOOOOVE YOUR GLASSES!” After I told them I was sick, they slowly backed off, for it was late at night… The next morning I was still dizzy but I was Quote: Better Unquote. All I did the next day was hang out, and wait for the next day ‘cause my cousins were coming! Well my cousins did come, 45 minutes late they screeched to a stop outside our door. They paid the taxi guy 5 bajjilion katrillion dollars and came in side. Lets just say it was at the least, chaotic, you know in all the Narnia movies when the two armies are running at each other and at the last minute before impact they squeeze between rocks, so that the battle is only being fought in between two boulders 20 yards apart? Well, that’s what happened to my family. On my side: My grandma, grandpa, mom, dad, brother, and slowly meandering behind like some wimp hoping that he wasn’t going to have to fight was, me. On the other side, my uncle, aunt, 4-year-old cousin, and my 18 month cousin. Their side actually won in the end ‘cause nobody actually wanted to penetrate their walls because it was something like -5 degrees out. So we just stalled on the threshold giving hugs and kisses to whoever was closest, finally people realized they looked like total dorks, hugging and kissing the same people over, and over, again… So we just sat down in the living room and started chatting… That is ‘till Bjorn (18 months) started crying. Then Bjorn turned into something like a banana. He was all cute and cutily until he started crying, no doubt he was still cute, but his peel sure came off to reveal the fruit inside! Remember, kids can be cute and loud at the same time…
Well once everyone was settled in, Justin (My brother) was playing with Jackson (4 years old) upstairs. I was having fun with Bjorn. I would start crawling toward him growlin’ and he would give this adorable little giggle and sprint away from me at .5 miles per hour, he would run through the dining room to the kitchen then he would get scared by the dish washer and run back. I would then pretend to be asleep and right when he ran past me on route to living room, I would get up and chase him back. This could then go on for several hours when it then got quite exhausting…
I’m sorry to say I forget a lot of what happened that day, so the next day, Saturday, we went to downtown Western Springs to show them around. We had a lot of fun going from shop to shop. The next day we went up a level and took them to down town Chicago. So, me, my brother, my mom, my dad, two uncles, 1 aunt, my grandpa, my grandma were all trotting along Michigan Av. looking for somethin’ to do. We went to the Cultural center, and sent helicopters (Tiny pieces of paper) 6 stories down to where an uncle would catch it. We went to a tie place and I had the spicy basil leaves and told my cousin that the Jalapeño pepper was a cucumber (Ha Ha Ha!). Finally, we went ice skating, this was SOOOO much fun! We had a perfect view of the skyline from the rink! It was very funny to see Justin improve! At first he stumbled onto the ice, at the end he was almost skating without help (This was his first time ice skating.). So we took the Metra back home, all people under 9 years of age and a couple grown-ups crashed when we got home… NOT ME!!! I stayed up with the majority of people, talking about random stuff that didn’t necessarily affect me. At about 12:30 I hit the sack.
The next day was the last day of everyone except my grandparents and one of my uncles. We went to Blueberry Hill in downtown La Grange for breakfast. We went to the bike shop (The one with the picture of the guy who looks like Paul McCartney) to pick up my bike- not that I was going to use it or anything, but just to have it home. The bad news is that the frame is broken; the good news is that I get a new bike…
Well we said goodbye to everyone that was leaving and then things got boring… We played card games all day that day (We played 7-up 7-down). The next day Mark Genszler came. We played more and went for a hike in the nature preserve where Justin and I had lively daredevil contests about walking on the “frozen” floods.
It got pretty boring again until New Years Eve where we had LOTS of fun. So all in all I ENJOYED WINTER BREAK!
Forrest Stewart signing off for MCC News
On the day I got out of school, I went home, I forget exactly what happened, but I think I got locked out of the house… On Sunday, my grandma and grandpa came to do some stuff. We decorated a half frozen Xmas tree in our living room. Everything was pretty mellow ‘till Christmas day… I woke up, walked downstairs, ate breakfast, and realized I was completely dizzy and my stomach hurt. Reader, no matter how stupid you are, you can probably guess where this went… I was incredibly sick the whole day. Now, let me go into the gruesome details- WHAT WADDIA MEEN “NO” OK, OK, I WON’T TELL, GEES! It was a very strange atmosphere that night when my other grandparents came (See, on my dad’s side we take turns having the family for Christmas.) they did the usual, “My heavens you’ve grown,” and “OH Forrest I LOOOOOVE YOUR GLASSES!” After I told them I was sick, they slowly backed off, for it was late at night… The next morning I was still dizzy but I was Quote: Better Unquote. All I did the next day was hang out, and wait for the next day ‘cause my cousins were coming! Well my cousins did come, 45 minutes late they screeched to a stop outside our door. They paid the taxi guy 5 bajjilion katrillion dollars and came in side. Lets just say it was at the least, chaotic, you know in all the Narnia movies when the two armies are running at each other and at the last minute before impact they squeeze between rocks, so that the battle is only being fought in between two boulders 20 yards apart? Well, that’s what happened to my family. On my side: My grandma, grandpa, mom, dad, brother, and slowly meandering behind like some wimp hoping that he wasn’t going to have to fight was, me. On the other side, my uncle, aunt, 4-year-old cousin, and my 18 month cousin. Their side actually won in the end ‘cause nobody actually wanted to penetrate their walls because it was something like -5 degrees out. So we just stalled on the threshold giving hugs and kisses to whoever was closest, finally people realized they looked like total dorks, hugging and kissing the same people over, and over, again… So we just sat down in the living room and started chatting… That is ‘till Bjorn (18 months) started crying. Then Bjorn turned into something like a banana. He was all cute and cutily until he started crying, no doubt he was still cute, but his peel sure came off to reveal the fruit inside! Remember, kids can be cute and loud at the same time…
Well once everyone was settled in, Justin (My brother) was playing with Jackson (4 years old) upstairs. I was having fun with Bjorn. I would start crawling toward him growlin’ and he would give this adorable little giggle and sprint away from me at .5 miles per hour, he would run through the dining room to the kitchen then he would get scared by the dish washer and run back. I would then pretend to be asleep and right when he ran past me on route to living room, I would get up and chase him back. This could then go on for several hours when it then got quite exhausting…
I’m sorry to say I forget a lot of what happened that day, so the next day, Saturday, we went to downtown Western Springs to show them around. We had a lot of fun going from shop to shop. The next day we went up a level and took them to down town Chicago. So, me, my brother, my mom, my dad, two uncles, 1 aunt, my grandpa, my grandma were all trotting along Michigan Av. looking for somethin’ to do. We went to the Cultural center, and sent helicopters (Tiny pieces of paper) 6 stories down to where an uncle would catch it. We went to a tie place and I had the spicy basil leaves and told my cousin that the Jalapeño pepper was a cucumber (Ha Ha Ha!). Finally, we went ice skating, this was SOOOO much fun! We had a perfect view of the skyline from the rink! It was very funny to see Justin improve! At first he stumbled onto the ice, at the end he was almost skating without help (This was his first time ice skating.). So we took the Metra back home, all people under 9 years of age and a couple grown-ups crashed when we got home… NOT ME!!! I stayed up with the majority of people, talking about random stuff that didn’t necessarily affect me. At about 12:30 I hit the sack.
The next day was the last day of everyone except my grandparents and one of my uncles. We went to Blueberry Hill in downtown La Grange for breakfast. We went to the bike shop (The one with the picture of the guy who looks like Paul McCartney) to pick up my bike- not that I was going to use it or anything, but just to have it home. The bad news is that the frame is broken; the good news is that I get a new bike…
Well we said goodbye to everyone that was leaving and then things got boring… We played card games all day that day (We played 7-up 7-down). The next day Mark Genszler came. We played more and went for a hike in the nature preserve where Justin and I had lively daredevil contests about walking on the “frozen” floods.
It got pretty boring again until New Years Eve where we had LOTS of fun. So all in all I ENJOYED WINTER BREAK!
Forrest Stewart signing off for MCC News
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
A Big Downer. Help from: NPR this American life 3rd issue
A Big Downer. Help from: NPR this American life.
When you looked at the headline you probably said: “WOW! I never knew there was anything good about throwing your self of the Sears Tower! I think I’ll act like an idiot and take a hint from Forrest.” Anyway, whether be thy idiot whom acts upon thee word “Idiot” or be thy idiot whom acts upon thee word “Average wacko” or thy be non-idiot whom acts upon thee word “Idiot” come and listen to my narrative…
My story starts with an average wacko named Grevage Kowca (Try re-arranging his name.) who is having trouble. Since I’m more of a wack-job than even this idiot I think I’ll let him tell his story…
Well, over break I went to the doctor for my usual check-up. They told me something was in my bladder. Whenever a doctor tells you that you have something in your bladder, it’s never good. For example you never go to the doctor and he/she comes up to you and say “Mr. ____________ you have something in your bladder and it’s SEASON TICKETS TO THE BULLS!” No, it’s always some crap about you dying or whatever! So! Truth #1: Hospitals, why have ‘em? Now, my mom works at a hospital and it seems like an exiting place, but then again she works in the emergency room in a crime filled neighborhood… If all we want to hear is bad news we can invest in the stock market, not drive to a hospital and sit in a waiting room with a ton of people with the flu! Next: Public events. Whenever you go somewhere to have some fun and buy somethin’ there’s gonna be a clerk- and if you like the chump, then you want support his finances, so of course you’re gonna buy something. BUT at some of these NEW public events all the money is going to some CHARITY! You might say “You know Grevage, who really gives a care? If you don’t want to give money, DON’T GOT TO THOSE PUBLIC EVENTS!” But these days they don’ even tell you! They’ll say (AFTER YOU BUY SOMETHING): Thank you for supporting such&such charity and you’ll get all angry at this guy and yell “OY! JERK, I’M TRYING TO SUPPORT YOU WITH MY MONEY AND YOU’RE THROWING AWAY MY MONEY!” and he’ll say “Well it’s not my fault you can’t handle your finances, I do alright with my money!” and you go “And apparently you do alright with mine too!” Truth #2: Public events, why have ‘em?
Finally, throwing yourself off the Sears Tower: You will probably die if you throw yourself of the Sears Tower. So, truth #3: Sears Towers, why have ‘em?
Forrest Stewart Signing off for MCC News
When you looked at the headline you probably said: “WOW! I never knew there was anything good about throwing your self of the Sears Tower! I think I’ll act like an idiot and take a hint from Forrest.” Anyway, whether be thy idiot whom acts upon thee word “Idiot” or be thy idiot whom acts upon thee word “Average wacko” or thy be non-idiot whom acts upon thee word “Idiot” come and listen to my narrative…
My story starts with an average wacko named Grevage Kowca (Try re-arranging his name.) who is having trouble. Since I’m more of a wack-job than even this idiot I think I’ll let him tell his story…
Well, over break I went to the doctor for my usual check-up. They told me something was in my bladder. Whenever a doctor tells you that you have something in your bladder, it’s never good. For example you never go to the doctor and he/she comes up to you and say “Mr. ____________ you have something in your bladder and it’s SEASON TICKETS TO THE BULLS!” No, it’s always some crap about you dying or whatever! So! Truth #1: Hospitals, why have ‘em? Now, my mom works at a hospital and it seems like an exiting place, but then again she works in the emergency room in a crime filled neighborhood… If all we want to hear is bad news we can invest in the stock market, not drive to a hospital and sit in a waiting room with a ton of people with the flu! Next: Public events. Whenever you go somewhere to have some fun and buy somethin’ there’s gonna be a clerk- and if you like the chump, then you want support his finances, so of course you’re gonna buy something. BUT at some of these NEW public events all the money is going to some CHARITY! You might say “You know Grevage, who really gives a care? If you don’t want to give money, DON’T GOT TO THOSE PUBLIC EVENTS!” But these days they don’ even tell you! They’ll say (AFTER YOU BUY SOMETHING): Thank you for supporting such&such charity and you’ll get all angry at this guy and yell “OY! JERK, I’M TRYING TO SUPPORT YOU WITH MY MONEY AND YOU’RE THROWING AWAY MY MONEY!” and he’ll say “Well it’s not my fault you can’t handle your finances, I do alright with my money!” and you go “And apparently you do alright with mine too!” Truth #2: Public events, why have ‘em?
Finally, throwing yourself off the Sears Tower: You will probably die if you throw yourself of the Sears Tower. So, truth #3: Sears Towers, why have ‘em?
Forrest Stewart Signing off for MCC News
Guest 3rd issue
Guest
Twilight: A Guide to the Series
By Caroline Lupetini, Pop Culture Trivia Extraordinaire.
Well, since the Twilight series has become sooooooo big, I thought maybe the manly men, who will DARE not touch these books would like to know what their girlfriends, friends that are girls, wives, fiancées, moms, sisters, girl cousins, young-ish girl teachers, friends that are guys who have read these books are reading. So heeeeere it is. Consider reading!!!
Twilight is about a klutzy teen girl, Bella, who moves to Forks, WA from Phoenix, AZ to live with her dad. At her new school, she meets friends (yada, yada, yada) and learns of the SUPER HOT Cullen family. They consist of Emmett and Rosalie, Alice and Jasper, Edward and their adoptive parents, Carlisle and Esme. All have topaz (yellow-brown) eyes and don’t seem to eat. Edward and Bella become lab partners. At a beach party, Bella learns form an old friend, Jacob (a Quileute Indian) that tribe legends say that the Cullens are vampires that live off of animals. In the nearby town of Port Angeles, Bella is saved by Edward. He reveals that him and his family ARE vampires that don’t eat humans (big shocker, huh?). Edward takes Bella to a meadow and tells her that he is in love with her AND that he spends every night in Bella’s room without her knowing. So they kiss and all that kind of romantic crap. Edward spends the night in Bella’s room and they talk and Bella falls asleep (as Edward cannot). The next day Bella formally meets the rest of the Cullens and goes for a game of baseball. At the game, the Cullens, plus Bella meet three non vegetarian vamps, one of which craves her blood. Bella must escape and even when she does, Bella still manages to break her leg, ribs AND bitten by James (the vampire who craves her blood). Edward (of course) saves her. The book ends with Bella trying to convince Edward to change her into a vampire so she can spend eternity with him at junior prom.
So, gents, consider reading the series. They really are good. There is fighting and violence, and a bit of comedy. Please consider reading.
Lots of Love,
Caroline Lupetini, Twilight fan, signing off for MCC News
“And so the lion fell in love with the lamb” Edward Cullen
Twilight: A Guide to the Series
By Caroline Lupetini, Pop Culture Trivia Extraordinaire.
Well, since the Twilight series has become sooooooo big, I thought maybe the manly men, who will DARE not touch these books would like to know what their girlfriends, friends that are girls, wives, fiancées, moms, sisters, girl cousins, young-ish girl teachers, friends that are guys who have read these books are reading. So heeeeere it is. Consider reading!!!
Twilight is about a klutzy teen girl, Bella, who moves to Forks, WA from Phoenix, AZ to live with her dad. At her new school, she meets friends (yada, yada, yada) and learns of the SUPER HOT Cullen family. They consist of Emmett and Rosalie, Alice and Jasper, Edward and their adoptive parents, Carlisle and Esme. All have topaz (yellow-brown) eyes and don’t seem to eat. Edward and Bella become lab partners. At a beach party, Bella learns form an old friend, Jacob (a Quileute Indian) that tribe legends say that the Cullens are vampires that live off of animals. In the nearby town of Port Angeles, Bella is saved by Edward. He reveals that him and his family ARE vampires that don’t eat humans (big shocker, huh?). Edward takes Bella to a meadow and tells her that he is in love with her AND that he spends every night in Bella’s room without her knowing. So they kiss and all that kind of romantic crap. Edward spends the night in Bella’s room and they talk and Bella falls asleep (as Edward cannot). The next day Bella formally meets the rest of the Cullens and goes for a game of baseball. At the game, the Cullens, plus Bella meet three non vegetarian vamps, one of which craves her blood. Bella must escape and even when she does, Bella still manages to break her leg, ribs AND bitten by James (the vampire who craves her blood). Edward (of course) saves her. The book ends with Bella trying to convince Edward to change her into a vampire so she can spend eternity with him at junior prom.
So, gents, consider reading the series. They really are good. There is fighting and violence, and a bit of comedy. Please consider reading.
Lots of Love,
Caroline Lupetini, Twilight fan, signing off for MCC News
“And so the lion fell in love with the lamb” Edward Cullen
Danger:Song 3rd issue
Danger: Song
You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m tellin’ you why… On this round ball of matter in the middle of space we call “Earth”; millions of youth are driving their poor parents crazy with these suspicious words thrown together in a catchy tune. Well again, just like an article from our first issue (which coincidently was written by this same, attractive reporter: Forrest Stewart!) we take a commonly used saying/song and guess that it is a part of a larger truth. This truth is that we think that the U.S. Government is spying on us. The song is thought to be a warning! Again the target is, obviously, the youth.
“What we encourage all scared and/or frightened (For some wacky reason, this guy thinks they are different, and I respect that!) Americans to do, is refrain from teaching 1-3 year old children this song, for ages 4-10 make the children give you a dollar every time they sing this song. And for ages 11-18 encourage your children to sing the song, so they will try to disobey you and they won’t sing it!” says Mr. Mark Lawrenson CEO of the Social Health for America Foundation (SHAF). SHAF is continually trying to find the culprit! “Stay out of trouble, don’t sing, and follow our instructions and we will have a happy, healthy country for all!”
Well, we really can’t argue with that!
Forrest Stewart signing of for MCC News.
You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m tellin’ you why… On this round ball of matter in the middle of space we call “Earth”; millions of youth are driving their poor parents crazy with these suspicious words thrown together in a catchy tune. Well again, just like an article from our first issue (which coincidently was written by this same, attractive reporter: Forrest Stewart!) we take a commonly used saying/song and guess that it is a part of a larger truth. This truth is that we think that the U.S. Government is spying on us. The song is thought to be a warning! Again the target is, obviously, the youth.
“What we encourage all scared and/or frightened (For some wacky reason, this guy thinks they are different, and I respect that!) Americans to do, is refrain from teaching 1-3 year old children this song, for ages 4-10 make the children give you a dollar every time they sing this song. And for ages 11-18 encourage your children to sing the song, so they will try to disobey you and they won’t sing it!” says Mr. Mark Lawrenson CEO of the Social Health for America Foundation (SHAF). SHAF is continually trying to find the culprit! “Stay out of trouble, don’t sing, and follow our instructions and we will have a happy, healthy country for all!”
Well, we really can’t argue with that!
Forrest Stewart signing of for MCC News.
Elf 3rd issue
Elf
We all know about Santa’s elves, and we all know about ordinary humans! But do we know what we have in common with these model hard-workers? To most Americans the answer is “no”. But I hope to change that! I am going to look in to this and tell YOU what they have in common with us!
First we are all slaves to advertising! It is not very well known, that when an elf sees an advertisement THEY BUY IT THAT DAY (Just like us!)!!!! Second, the only thing we care about is toys. Third, we are both so over-worked that we just start over at the end of the year! And we thought Santa’s little midgets were jolly!?!?!? They’re as grumpy as us ordinary grumps from the middle latitudes!!! Actually I’ve been thinking (I KNOW IT’S CHRISTMAS BREAK AND I’M NOT SUPOSSED TO, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!) That back in the 60s Santa cloned Grumpy (Snow White’s jerkish “friend”) and made “elves” (This was all ‘cause he was an under-paid freak, and wanted to spoil all of us kids’ dreams!)! But now that the truth’s out, I’m gonna have to huff it to the South Pole!
Forrest Stewart signing of for MCC News.
We all know about Santa’s elves, and we all know about ordinary humans! But do we know what we have in common with these model hard-workers? To most Americans the answer is “no”. But I hope to change that! I am going to look in to this and tell YOU what they have in common with us!
First we are all slaves to advertising! It is not very well known, that when an elf sees an advertisement THEY BUY IT THAT DAY (Just like us!)!!!! Second, the only thing we care about is toys. Third, we are both so over-worked that we just start over at the end of the year! And we thought Santa’s little midgets were jolly!?!?!? They’re as grumpy as us ordinary grumps from the middle latitudes!!! Actually I’ve been thinking (I KNOW IT’S CHRISTMAS BREAK AND I’M NOT SUPOSSED TO, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!) That back in the 60s Santa cloned Grumpy (Snow White’s jerkish “friend”) and made “elves” (This was all ‘cause he was an under-paid freak, and wanted to spoil all of us kids’ dreams!)! But now that the truth’s out, I’m gonna have to huff it to the South Pole!
Forrest Stewart signing of for MCC News.
Christmas 3rd issue
Christmas
Bridgeport Oklahoma- Where the classic Christmas traditions started! These include the Oklahoma tradition of, ceremonially running around, outside in the snow. The only, shall we say, strange thing about this err… rejoiceful, incident is that these American citizens are in their Santa Claus underwear. Today on the new weekly, (we hope) article “Foreign Happenings! This article may be taken by another journalist for THE MOUTVIC TIMES. Alright! Here we go…
Right now I’m standing in the snow warming up by an open fire! I’m also surrounded by people in underpants with pictures of a guy with a stomach that can shake like a bowl of Jell-O. I admit to have been a spoil-sport because I rejected the offer to wear my non-existent-holiday-themed-under-garment. I also shot down the idea of me borrowing a pair from a lad that had worn two pairs “for warmness”. Yeah anyways! We (meaning me), OK just me (meaning all of us), (SHUT UP STUPID PARENTHESIS) are going to talk to some locals about their favorite Christmas traditions! First is… ME!!! Yeah! I know all you cheated customers are cheering ‘cause finally for the FIRST TIME ever, Forrest is going to talk about himself! YEAH WOOHOO! My favorite holiday tradition is when my family and other dopes like that, are huddled around a single candle, we then have many visitors come and join us around that one little flame. But enough about me LET’S TALK ABOUT PEOPL WHO HAVE A PURPOSE IN LIFE (Writing a spoof newspaper does not count as a purpose!).
I’m walking up to a man with some “What would Santa do?” undies.
“Hello” I say.
He responds in a what-do-you-want-you-little-punk voice, “Mhmmmm”
TEACH THIS PERSON SOME STUPID MANNERS FOR GOODNESS SAKE!
I then jump in to the stupid spiel on how I’m a reporter for THE MOUTVIC TIMES and how all (non-existent) profits go to the homeless and all that kinda’ junk. Sigggggggh… Fast forward. Fast forward. Fast forward. Fast forward. Fast forward. AND… PLAY
“What is your favorite holiday tradition?” I asked this man with the “What would Santa do?” underwear.
“Probably when us, Oklahomans go outside and put the most annoying little weirdo on the top of the Christmas tree, frozen in a shape of a star.”
I must say, I’m glad I don’t live in Oklahoma ‘cause I think I would have the place of honor several times in a row. Well, I went around to a couple other people and asked their favorite tradition.
Many people said the frozen-weirdo/Forrest Stewart-frozen-on-tree-thingy-against-someone-or-another’s-will! Some others were:
1.Coming into neighbor’s house and cutting down Xmas tree.
2.Coming into neighbor’s house and stealing biggest present.
3.Booby trap fireplace in hopes that said guy with Jell-O stomach will get stuck with his- err…Overly large middle…
Alright, folks and folketts! That’s why we’re all glad to live in Chi-town! YA HOO! See ya!
Forrest Stewart signing of for MCC News.
Bridgeport Oklahoma- Where the classic Christmas traditions started! These include the Oklahoma tradition of, ceremonially running around, outside in the snow. The only, shall we say, strange thing about this err… rejoiceful, incident is that these American citizens are in their Santa Claus underwear. Today on the new weekly, (we hope) article “Foreign Happenings! This article may be taken by another journalist for THE MOUTVIC TIMES. Alright! Here we go…
Right now I’m standing in the snow warming up by an open fire! I’m also surrounded by people in underpants with pictures of a guy with a stomach that can shake like a bowl of Jell-O. I admit to have been a spoil-sport because I rejected the offer to wear my non-existent-holiday-themed-under-garment. I also shot down the idea of me borrowing a pair from a lad that had worn two pairs “for warmness”. Yeah anyways! We (meaning me), OK just me (meaning all of us), (SHUT UP STUPID PARENTHESIS) are going to talk to some locals about their favorite Christmas traditions! First is… ME!!! Yeah! I know all you cheated customers are cheering ‘cause finally for the FIRST TIME ever, Forrest is going to talk about himself! YEAH WOOHOO! My favorite holiday tradition is when my family and other dopes like that, are huddled around a single candle, we then have many visitors come and join us around that one little flame. But enough about me LET’S TALK ABOUT PEOPL WHO HAVE A PURPOSE IN LIFE (Writing a spoof newspaper does not count as a purpose!).
I’m walking up to a man with some “What would Santa do?” undies.
“Hello” I say.
He responds in a what-do-you-want-you-little-punk voice, “Mhmmmm”
TEACH THIS PERSON SOME STUPID MANNERS FOR GOODNESS SAKE!
I then jump in to the stupid spiel on how I’m a reporter for THE MOUTVIC TIMES and how all (non-existent) profits go to the homeless and all that kinda’ junk. Sigggggggh… Fast forward. Fast forward. Fast forward. Fast forward. Fast forward. AND… PLAY
“What is your favorite holiday tradition?” I asked this man with the “What would Santa do?” underwear.
“Probably when us, Oklahomans go outside and put the most annoying little weirdo on the top of the Christmas tree, frozen in a shape of a star.”
I must say, I’m glad I don’t live in Oklahoma ‘cause I think I would have the place of honor several times in a row. Well, I went around to a couple other people and asked their favorite tradition.
Many people said the frozen-weirdo/Forrest Stewart-frozen-on-tree-thingy-against-someone-or-another’s-will! Some others were:
1.Coming into neighbor’s house and cutting down Xmas tree.
2.Coming into neighbor’s house and stealing biggest present.
3.Booby trap fireplace in hopes that said guy with Jell-O stomach will get stuck with his- err…Overly large middle…
Alright, folks and folketts! That’s why we’re all glad to live in Chi-town! YA HOO! See ya!
Forrest Stewart signing of for MCC News.
Update 3rd issue
Update
This week in Grammar/Lit the following happened:
1. Forrest poisons whole class with cookies.
2. People talk about how ridiculous Forrest’s ideas are.
3. Law #465: No read, No FEED!
4. Mrs. Moutvic’s class starts a www.freestupidness.com SPONSERED BY FORREST STEWART. (This was done against his will) (MAD FACE!!!)
5. Schedule for next week of MOUTVIC TIMES: Kathryn fired, Lambrose hired, Kathryn hired, Pierce fired, Lambrose hired, Jack fired, Toby fired, Jack hired, Lambrose fired, Toby hired, Pierce hired, Lambrose KINDA’ hired.
6. Random pictures taken of little jerk-off clay figures.
7. Pierce defends Forrest, when Forrest was found; face down on classroom floor with eyes closed: “It’s not true that Forrest was sleeping during class, he was just taking a few moments for deep reflection.”
8. YEAH RIGHT TO #6!
That’s it from the Moutvic Room!
Forrest Stewart signing of for MCC News.
This week in Grammar/Lit the following happened:
1. Forrest poisons whole class with cookies.
2. People talk about how ridiculous Forrest’s ideas are.
3. Law #465: No read, No FEED!
4. Mrs. Moutvic’s class starts a www.freestupidness.com SPONSERED BY FORREST STEWART. (This was done against his will) (MAD FACE!!!)
5. Schedule for next week of MOUTVIC TIMES: Kathryn fired, Lambrose hired, Kathryn hired, Pierce fired, Lambrose hired, Jack fired, Toby fired, Jack hired, Lambrose fired, Toby hired, Pierce hired, Lambrose KINDA’ hired.
6. Random pictures taken of little jerk-off clay figures.
7. Pierce defends Forrest, when Forrest was found; face down on classroom floor with eyes closed: “It’s not true that Forrest was sleeping during class, he was just taking a few moments for deep reflection.”
8. YEAH RIGHT TO #6!
That’s it from the Moutvic Room!
Forrest Stewart signing of for MCC News.
Jobs 3rd issue
Jobs
Well, with the economy in this bad state, new jobs are being put into place! Some of the newer ones (These are Real Job Listings from Ross and Kathryn Petra):
Associate Assistant Secretary
Assistant Assistant Secretary
Deputy Assistant Secretary
Associate Deputy Assistant Secretary
Chief of Staff to the Associate Assistant Secretary
Chief of Staff to the Assistant Assistant Secretary
Principal Deputy to the Deputy Assistant Secretary
Principal Assistant Deputy Undersecretary
o Associate Principal Deputy Assistant Secretary
And the new help wanted ads are getting more crazy.
Still real ones!
o Now hiring losers It is missing the “c”
And then there are people are DYING (you’ll get it) for a job.
o WANTED: MAN TO BARBECUE. Apply in person They could have said “Man to barbecue for a picnic.
o Outside Consultant Sought for Test of Gas Chamber
Well, we might as well be thankful for what we have (Even if we are making ourselves into hamburgers…)
Forrest Stewart signing of for MCC News.
Well, with the economy in this bad state, new jobs are being put into place! Some of the newer ones (These are Real Job Listings from Ross and Kathryn Petra):
Associate Assistant Secretary
Assistant Assistant Secretary
Deputy Assistant Secretary
Associate Deputy Assistant Secretary
Chief of Staff to the Associate Assistant Secretary
Chief of Staff to the Assistant Assistant Secretary
Principal Deputy to the Deputy Assistant Secretary
Principal Assistant Deputy Undersecretary
o Associate Principal Deputy Assistant Secretary
And the new help wanted ads are getting more crazy.
Still real ones!
o Now hiring losers It is missing the “c”
And then there are people are DYING (you’ll get it) for a job.
o WANTED: MAN TO BARBECUE. Apply in person They could have said “Man to barbecue for a picnic.
o Outside Consultant Sought for Test of Gas Chamber
Well, we might as well be thankful for what we have (Even if we are making ourselves into hamburgers…)
Forrest Stewart signing of for MCC News.
Inventions 3rd issue
Inventions
Have you ever needes a piece of tissue or a Kleenex, but you forgot to pack some? Well now you can get the “Dorky” version or the “Dorky Supreme” version of the hat with a tissue attached! Now you don’t have to worry about that runny nose anymore because there is a new invention that will always have a pair of tissues on it so you can always blow that runny nose of yours out of the way! It is going to be one of the most unique inventions made this year! It is made with an adjustable strap so it will never fall off your big, old coconut. With a soft cushion on top of it, it might just be the softest thing that’s been on top of your head! Be sure to look for it in stores near YOU!
Pros:
Always have tissue
Lightweight
Small (ish)
Works well for adults and kids.
Cons:
People would look at you like you are INSANE!
It’s a hassle to carry around.
Jack Oremus signing off for MCC News
Have you ever needes a piece of tissue or a Kleenex, but you forgot to pack some? Well now you can get the “Dorky” version or the “Dorky Supreme” version of the hat with a tissue attached! Now you don’t have to worry about that runny nose anymore because there is a new invention that will always have a pair of tissues on it so you can always blow that runny nose of yours out of the way! It is going to be one of the most unique inventions made this year! It is made with an adjustable strap so it will never fall off your big, old coconut. With a soft cushion on top of it, it might just be the softest thing that’s been on top of your head! Be sure to look for it in stores near YOU!
Pros:
Always have tissue
Lightweight
Small (ish)
Works well for adults and kids.
Cons:
People would look at you like you are INSANE!
It’s a hassle to carry around.
Jack Oremus signing off for MCC News
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