Christmas 3rd issue

Christmas
Bridgeport Oklahoma- Where the classic Christmas traditions started! These include the Oklahoma tradition of, ceremonially running around, outside in the snow. The only, shall we say, strange thing about this err… rejoiceful, incident is that these American citizens are in their Santa Claus underwear. Today on the new weekly, (we hope) article “Foreign Happenings! This article may be taken by another journalist for THE MOUTVIC TIMES. Alright! Here we go…
Right now I’m standing in the snow warming up by an open fire! I’m also surrounded by people in underpants with pictures of a guy with a stomach that can shake like a bowl of Jell-O. I admit to have been a spoil-sport because I rejected the offer to wear my non-existent-holiday-themed-under-garment. I also shot down the idea of me borrowing a pair from a lad that had worn two pairs “for warmness”. Yeah anyways! We (meaning me), OK just me (meaning all of us), (SHUT UP STUPID PARENTHESIS) are going to talk to some locals about their favorite Christmas traditions! First is… ME!!! Yeah! I know all you cheated customers are cheering ‘cause finally for the FIRST TIME ever, Forrest is going to talk about himself! YEAH WOOHOO! My favorite holiday tradition is when my family and other dopes like that, are huddled around a single candle, we then have many visitors come and join us around that one little flame. But enough about me LET’S TALK ABOUT PEOPL WHO HAVE A PURPOSE IN LIFE (Writing a spoof newspaper does not count as a purpose!).
I’m walking up to a man with some “What would Santa do?” undies.
“Hello” I say.
He responds in a what-do-you-want-you-little-punk voice, “Mhmmmm”
TEACH THIS PERSON SOME STUPID MANNERS FOR GOODNESS SAKE!
I then jump in to the stupid spiel on how I’m a reporter for THE MOUTVIC TIMES and how all (non-existent) profits go to the homeless and all that kinda’ junk. Sigggggggh… Fast forward. Fast forward. Fast forward. Fast forward. Fast forward. AND… PLAY
“What is your favorite holiday tradition?” I asked this man with the “What would Santa do?” underwear.
“Probably when us, Oklahomans go outside and put the most annoying little weirdo on the top of the Christmas tree, frozen in a shape of a star.”
I must say, I’m glad I don’t live in Oklahoma ‘cause I think I would have the place of honor several times in a row. Well, I went around to a couple other people and asked their favorite tradition.
Many people said the frozen-weirdo/Forrest Stewart-frozen-on-tree-thingy-against-someone-or-another’s-will! Some others were:
1.Coming into neighbor’s house and cutting down Xmas tree.
2.Coming into neighbor’s house and stealing biggest present.
3.Booby trap fireplace in hopes that said guy with Jell-O stomach will get stuck with his- err…Overly large middle…
Alright, folks and folketts! That’s why we’re all glad to live in Chi-town! YA HOO! See ya!
Forrest Stewart signing of for MCC News.