Security 1st issue

Security
Well, fear not! Safety is at the peak at its peak! Here are some of the features on the Bomb-Detection Machine:
Pre-recorded voice asks bags if the have been out of the owners possession and if they are carrying any explosives or firearms.
Sits there knowing on a pretzel complaining about how tired it is.
Sophisticated X-ray scanner detects any object sharper than a Popsicle stick and harder than a Kraft shingle.
Emits impressive science-fictiony “Byoop! Byoop!” noise.
If bomb found random number generator decides whether to cut red or blue wire.
Automatically grunts cursory apology for rumpling clothes.
Features a confidence-boosting $8 million price tag.
The future is here! If we can ride pieces of medal into the clouds with the most dangerous object being the security guard’s powerful handgun and tazer we can do anything!
Onion